Night of the Living Virgin

I was a virgin when I got married at the age of 23. This distinction put me in a category that represents less than 5% of the American male population. You read that right. Less than 5% of American men are virgins when they get married. Counterbalancing this fact is the good news that by age 21 nearly 90% of American men have engaged in sexual intercourse.

America’s most recent newsworthy male virgin was Colton Underwood who appeared on ABC’s The Bachelor. It didn’t take long before the show wasn’t about Colton but about his virginity. It seemed the entire nation went into mourning, desperate to find a way for Colton to be freed of his naïveté. How sad that a young, handsome, muscular man had to suffer through the prime of life as a virgin. Thank God he was surrounded by dozens of stunning women who each stood the chance of pushing a reluctant Colton off his sheltered sexual overlook.

Recently I read an article published in 2015 concerning Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson’s decision to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. The doctoral candidate wrote, “So how does a man like Wilson navigate a commitment to abstinence while upholding ideals of masculinity? Wilson’s status as an athlete and heartthrob is likely giving him…jock insurance…because of his celebrity status, he can make traditionally nonmasculine choices without having his masculinity questioned.”

Again, you read that right. Wilson’s nonmasculine commitment to sexual abstinence goes against the grain of the ideals of masculinity. Authentic men don’t make abstinence commitments because the code of American manhood clearly states men who actually choose to refrain from sex for any reason are either clinically insane or castrated.

As far as I can tell I have not been neutered and I am not certifiably mad just yet. My wife and I have enjoyed robust intimacy for 40 years. Partial proof of that affectionate squeeze is the four children in our clan.

My wedding night remains the single most overwhelmingly awesome event of my life, excluding my conversion to Christ and the birth of my children. Indeed, I was a virgin, but as I looked at my body and then my bride’s body, I was not at a loss of what to do next. I was inexperienced in the technique of sex but I wasn’t clueless about the mission in front of me. The consummation of my marriage was instinctual. No handbook was required.

Here’s an example. I was very young when I got my first bicycle. It did not come with training wheels, knee or elbow pads, or a helmet. My dad put me on the bike, pushed it forward, and told me to pedal as fast as I could. Two or three falls later I was gliding as though I’d been born on a bike. In minutes I went from nothing to novice without any prior training. One day later I’d be semi-pro. Within a week I’d be teaching Bike Riding 101 to the younger kids on the block.

It was the same with my wedding night. The objective was simple once we arrived in the hotel room. Step one, close the door. Step two, grab the bride. Mission accomplished!

However, the manhood code contends a young man cannot hope to have great marital sex unless he’s gone through extensive pre-marital training. Furthermore, that training should not be confined to only one trainer. Superlative, comprehensive training comes from the hands of multiple trainers, and if you’re fortunate enough, multiple trainers at the same time.

God never intended that a man should practice sexual intercourse before he gets married. No practice is required! Yet, that’s the message America sends its men. Virgin Man, if you never get laid, then your life will be marked by loneliness, discouragement, and depression. Your abstinence will prove to be detrimental in all your relations with women. You will be unable to relate to the kind of manhood embraced by most American men. The lack of sexual relations will lower your self-esteem and self-confidence, and your self-loathing will rot your soul. Critical parts of your body will atrophy from nonuse and eventually fall off.

The dominant culture tells Virgin Man there is nothing good about being a virgin. Absolutely nothing worthwhile can come from keeping yourself flaccid. What kind of virtue denies your libido the outlet it deserves and demands? Sexlessness is senselessness!

Are we at the point in America where sexual abstinence is unrecognizable as a virtue, and we can only see it as stupid and practically sinful? When did abstaining from sex before marriage become a joke, or close to a crime? When did abstinence become abnormal and unhealthy?

Somehow virginity has become anti-masculine. Truly manly boys can’t wait to lose their virginity so they can prove they are truly manly. Nothing says sexual conquest like nailing a high school cheerleader and then spreading the news like a brush fire. And nothing suggests sexual dysfunction more than sporting a little stainless steel ring and reciting a purity pledge whenever you’re asked about its meaning. If the ring and the pledge seem dubious, then fall on the untouchable intention of becoming a priest. Everyone knows priests have no libido and rather prefer spending time in ejaculatory praise and prayer to God.

In our hypersexual culture it seems impossible we could ever reverse this mindset that condemns virginity and promotes promiscuity. Not even a mega-multimedia national abstinence campaign featuring hordes of handsome celebrities and tons of testosterone infused athletes would have the power to convince young men the sexual urges they battle against daily are best left unaroused.

A male virgin is a rare and precious gift to a bride. His desire to delay his gratification for the right woman at the right time makes her profoundly significant. He has kept himself for her not because he’s special but because she’s of such high value to him. He’s declaring that the woman lying naked on his wedding bed is so unlike every other woman he’s ever met, and the confirmation of his conviction is that he’s never given any other woman the honor of seeing and touching his naked body. His body inside hers becomes pure adoration itself, and in this union his bride finds the bliss that comes from unreserved, unconditional reverence.

Sadly, this rendition of what sensual blessedness looks like has been characterized as prudish, outdated, and downright unnatural. The pervasion of non-virginal men and women in American sex culture has spawned a far different male perspective of the marriage bed. His attitude is there are no virgins anywhere. He approaches sex like he’s shopping for a used car and every woman he sees will be assumed to come with signs of prior ownership.

If a young man is a serious shopper and has the money, then he may take the time to find a new car. However, if the man is desperate for transportation, is short on funds, and isn’t fussy about new versus used, then the car for sale by owner across the street will be just fine, even though it’s likely that hidden under the hood are a combination of problems so expensive to fix that if he had any inkling of the extent of the repairs he would never even consider its purchase. Even if he buys the lemon, he’ll still dump the car at the first indication it’s got problems he doesn’t want to face.

These men assume all women have allowed themselves to be driven and they carry with them the aftermath of all the test drives. He knows some women are worth repairing but for others it’s just best to walk on. Deep down the man desires a high-value woman, but at the same time the male urge to drive drives him to consider even high-mile women. Fortunately, if the man makes a poor decision and gets saddled with a woman of diminished value or one with too many issues, it’s easy to abandon the relationship knowing the market is flooded with used cars.

I am not into misogyny and this blog post has not inexplicably turned against women. I’m searching to understand how our culture allows men to look at women as used cars that can be driven without license and abandoned without remorse. It must be because they see themselves as used cars that women can test drive, rev up, and discard. This is typical buying behavior for both men and women. They are both available for transitory trysts with nothing even close to a pledge that the short-lived coupling could ever lead to long-lived connecting.

I don’t have any conception of what it’s like to shop for a woman. I have had some great female friends, like Joyce and Elaine, and one girlfriend, Vicki, but none of these relationships really ever made me a buyer. Honestly, I didn’t know how to become a buyer. When I finally found the courage to ask my wife to marry me, I had known her for nine years. Yet, two weeks before we were married I realized we had never been on a date. So, we drove two hours to eat some steaks. We dated once before we mated.

The manhood code classifies Night of the Living Virgin as a PG-rated horror movie because anything relating to the sanctity of virginity must be horrible and a horror. Things like self-control, sexual purity, and a holy marriage bed need to be removed from society because they actually are outdated and boring. More importantly, they obstruct a man’s psychological and emotional objective of becoming an uber-sexual beast, which all men crave to be.

The code strongly recommends taking a 5-hour energy shot before the movie starts, but if that fails then have a pillow close at hand. The film comes with a warning: Not Recommended for Dudes but Suitable for Prudes. Really? That’s not what I remember when I saw it for the first time. It was rated XXX and it came with a For Married Men Only advisory. It was a compelling adventure, drama, comedy, and mystery all wrapped up together. No horror. No boredom. Nothing prudish. Best of all it has a happy ending.

Not once in my life have I ever regretted I was a sex apprentice when I got married. The only training I received was on the job training with one other person. Together, we created the undeniable, unqualified, unbelievable best night of my life. So, my honest advice to every young man – be a virgin and stay a virgin - and catch the XXX version of the movie as soon as possible with your forever bride. The pillow won’t be needed, but you should put two 5-hour energy drinks in your pocket so you can watch the film over and over and over again without any need to sleep.

Music: A Night to Remember by Shonlock